#10

Tonight I can't sleep,
Not due to despair (this time)...
I guess I'll count sheep.

Re: Fall 2010

Here's what I'm actually taking (not this) this semester:

• Social Justice
• Holistic Health Practices
• Child Welfare Policies
• Community Leadership & Development

I've finished my second week of classes, and I'm pretty sure this semester is going to be a good one. Here are some neat things coming up (I don't care if Christopher Moore says bulleting things isn't blogging. He hasn't written anything good since 2006.):

• I'll be attending a local training on Child on Child Sexually Aggressive Behavior
• I'll be on a research panel for a study on body image in young women
• I'll be attending a workshop in Syracuse on LGBTQ Teens and Suicide Prevention
• I am in the process of writing a research brief on LGBTQ teens and suicide
• I have an interview at Planned Parenthood for my Spring 2011 internship
• I'll be researching the Southern Tier Aids Program (STAP, one of my favorite local organizations) and SayIT intervention team, a part of the Crime Victims Assistance Center

I feel energized and excited to be involved in more than just my required class work. I can feel that my interests are sharpening and that soon I'll have a good sense of which population (LGBTQ teens, women in crisis) I'm most suited to advocate for and work with.

I definitely have a bee in my bonnet about going to grad school next year. I feel like I'm really amping up and will definitely be ready to flourish very soon. The question is whether or not we can afford it (we can't). If we figure out a way to pay for it (LOANS!), by the time I'm finished and start a career, will I have time for a baby? Which is more important to me? What if I forgo grad school for a baby and my parts don't work? It may seem as though I'm getting ahead of myself, but I'm not. This is the exact semester during which I need to do all sorts of work about grad school. I feel like if I don't do it now, I may not ever; I don't know if that's ok with me.

Say Your Goodbyes and My "Dream Job"

While purging my inbox, I happened upon some emails from my dear friend and mentor, Kirk Shreve. I realized that he's been gone for exactly four years to the day, less than a month before my wedding (I had been waiting impatiently for Kirk and Alex's RSVP. His August 15, 2006 email said "of course" he was planning on attending). Further, I spent a couple hours yesterday ruminating on the possibility of a return to funeral service (Some days, I think my "dream" job would be doing only body prep: embalming, dressing, make-up. No removals except the gross or interesting ones, no dress clothes, no arrangements, certainly no property maintenance. All embalmings and prep, all the time Weird that that sounds perfect to me, huh?).

Ordinarily, I would have chalked these deliberations up to trepidation regarding recent contemplations about grad school. Now it's perfectly clear to me that it was my "Uncle" Kirk. He was a generous, loving and wise friend. I'm sure my life would be much different than it is now if Kirk was still around.

I Used To Be

This morning, I'm thinking about some "things" I used to be that I am not anymore. Mostly, I wish I still was these "things," even if it's just a little bit. I'm no longer these "things" because of various circumstances, or lack of energy, or lack of inspiration, or lack of company, or lack of monies, or...

• a fair to middling funeral director and pretty damn good embalmer. I embalmed so many folks who had been autopsied, they called me the "Post Princess." That was before they hated me.
• an amateur photographer
• magnanimous
• crafty
• sociable
• good company

I'm in a rut.

"Overheard" in My Dream

Michael, my brother-in-law to Lisa: No bitch is truly alone until she's hunting squirrels.

In my dream, he then proceeded to tell me about a male scientist who was tracking and researching rabbits with exceedingly long stomachs. If I told you the details of this research, you'd know that my brain science is not sensible or accurate; therefore, it's much too difficult to try to explain further details.

This is my brain at work, folks.

Is It Crazy...

Is it crazy that I want to put on my wedding dress again, make Jesse rent another tux, have my hair and makeup done, and have new (read: better) wedding pictures taken? I'm kind of serious about this....

I hate our wedding pictures.

A Post In Which I Go On And On And Still Resolve Nothing. Awesome.

So, I'm feelin' kind of glum today. My day at work was extremely mediocre and you're probably thinking that I should take mediocrity when I can get it especially since this is my last week at this crummy job. And you're right, essentially. And you're probably also thinking that soon I'll be on to my next adventure; you're right about that, too. But the thing is, yes, I'm leaving this job, but the next job (back to bagel town) is only marginally better. Sure it is very unlikely that someone will pee in my shoe or wipe feces on me or my clothing, but it's just another low skill, low wage job in which I'm cleaning up after other people.

Shit.

So, now you're thinking, "Well, Lisa, you're also going back to school!" Again, you're right... Opposite Midge (aka Rachel@Canada. Her new blog is ThickPaper.blogspot.com) recently lauded me for my gumption and effort. But you know what? Who cares? So, I'm finishing some Gen. Ed. shit at the local community college. But with what goal in mind? Who the hell knows!

My problem is this: I'm a little interested in a lot of things and not a lot interested in one thing. What am I going to do? I'm 28.5 years old. That's pretty old to be slummin' it at the local community college with no real goal to work towards.

Yeah, I've been tossing around the idea of horticulture or human services (two wildly unrelated fields), but are either of those things going to make me happy? And what am I going to do ultimately? Work in a green house? A degree from Cornell is a pretty damn expensive way to do that. Use a degree in human services to do something slightly less mediocre than what I'm doing now? Damn it!

Why can't I figure things out?

I mean, I'd love to work on some little paper venture (invitations, stationary, what have you) with Opposite Midge (it'd be a dream, really), but is anyone making any real money selling their wares on etsy?

Probably culinary school would be the best idea for me. Being in the kitchen is one of the few things I really love to do. But the only way to make money with a culinary degree is to be a chef and I don't like being hot and I'm awful at telling people what to do, so being a chef is out. Plus, what if I go to culinary school and then being in the kitchen becomes more of a chore than a past-time and I've trashed one of the things I really enjoy?

Don't tell me that it'll be alright. There's no evidence to support your claim.

I just wish I could have some answers; I wish I was one of the fortunate ones who knew at age seven that they wanted to be a bull-fighter or a magician or a fire truck like my dear old dad.

::huff::

I don't even want to go to school anymore. Just forget about the whole damn thing. I should just perfect my art of ass wiping and quit fussing.

Its all just ass wiping to some degree or another anyways, right?

image via Gladys Santiago

Re: Talking to Myself

I may hate it when Jesse is right; but at least this time, he's right about something that is helpful: I don't have to take chemistry. This is what I will be taking:

• History of Photography
• The West and the World to 1500
  
• The Rise of the West: 1500-Present
• Algebra and Trigonometry

Its going to be a pretty busy semester for me! I've been out of mort. school since 2004 and TC3 since 2003 so hopefully the adjustment will be fairly smooth. I'm definitely looking forward to getting some shit done instead of just floating along feeling like I'm not accomplishing a damn thing. This semester should help me.

I'll work Monday, Wednesday and Friday; and class on Tuesday, Wednesday night and Thursday. Classes start August 24th!

Talking to Myself

Lately, I'm working really hard on self-soothing. So, for instance, when I start to get all wound up about all the little things going on, and I do mean all, (awful job, not enough money, so sleepy, miss my friends, broken tv, need rear calipers, staying awake, getting along with people, need exhaust work, Prop. 8, the future, yiiiiiikes), I try to soothe myself.

Sometimes, it goes really well and works fabulously. But since I'm trying to teach myself this skill after 28 solid years of being anxious (worry runs in the Mastroberti blood), I often have already gone off the figurative edge wa-a-ay before I even realize what I'm doing. And if I'm not conscious that I'm reverting to my old habit, its pretty hard to implement efforts to bring the process to a screeching halt. As I said, I'm working on it.

Tomorrow, I go to BCC to register for classes and I'm nervous. I was getting all wound up about it and about chemistry, of all things.

J said, "do you even know if you have to take chemistry?"

"No... But I know I won't be able to do it (I'm also trying to stop "awful-izing." Apparently, I'm having a particularly unsuccessful night)."

In a few short hours, I'll know if I have to take chemistry and then the worrying will have been for naught or it will increase....

I'll let you know what happens.



On a side note, please take note of ashleyg's awesome artwork, "Its All Right," that is so perfect for me tonight as I try to reassure myself that tomorrow will go fine, going back to school will be good for me, a new adventure will be good for me, I'm smart enough for chemistry.... Well, I can't talk myself into everything. This print is available in ashleyg's etsy shop. Please check out her "Wonder Boy and Co" and "Even Superheroes Need a Break" and please support independent artists as often as you can. I try to and I certainly should be doing it more often.

2009 is the Year of Some Weird Anniversaries

I think now, January 2009, is a good time to tell you about some anniversaries that will happen this year! Some of them are sweet, some are unusual. All of them mine!

Here we go!

January 17, 2009: This is the fifth anniversary of the J and L duo! 2008 was a complicated year for our little family but we love each other and are closer than ever. We have high hopes for a less chaotic 2009. Send good energy our way!

April 2009: I've been retired from the funeral industry and out of the evil grasp of the E's for one whole damn year. Hey, E! See all that snow out there? See it all? There's alot, right? How about those cars? They're pretty damn filthy, aren't they? I hope you really like cold, wet socks because that's what you're about to have.

This is a terrific anniversary!

May 2009: Still crazy after all these years! May marks my ten year anniversary with psychotherapy and a wide array of psychotropic medication. The combo of therapy and medication is complicated and often its hard to see results but I try to keep doing the work and hoping that I'll someday have some relief from my messy, messy brain.

June 2009: I've been out of high school for ten years. TEN. What do I have to show for these years?

July 2009: Still riding after all these days! One year ago this July, I learned to ride a bike. So I have that to show for the past ten years....

August 2009: Still besties after all these years! Ten years ago this August, I packed up and headed south to St. Davids, Pennsylvania for college. Who did I find? Tovah was my roommate and Philly Rachel lived on the floor below me! What supreme luck! They're two of my dearest friends and, though vast distance separates us, we're close now and will be forever, if I have anything to do with it!

Nine years ago this August, I met my dear friend, Canadian Rachel, when we worked together on The Commons. At first, we hated each other. But then we loved each other and we still do! Yay for being friends for so damn long!

But why does everyone live so far away from me??

September 2009: Still in love after all these years! September will be our third wedding anniversary. I love you, Jesse! I think its time for us to get a puppy!

October 2009: Still airing out after all these years! Ten years ago, Tovah noticed I was wearing my unders beneath my pajama pants when I went to bed. She suggested I try pajama pants without my unders. I may have thought she was crazy but I gave it a try. Thanks, Tovah! That is much more sensible.

There is so much more to mention: In March, it will be 7 years since Nik died and 3 years since Grandma Mastroberti died. Grandpa Edmondson has been gone for 8 years in October and Grandma Edmondson died 3 years ago in December. Mikus came for a great visit 1 year ago in July (won't you come back again, please). Our close friends, Philip and Emily, will celebrate their first anniversary in October.

But I really wanted to make sure you knew when I stopped wearing unders to bed. That's the important thing.


drug image via The Buckeye Institute

I Can't Say These Things Aloud at Work

so I'm recounting them now for your enjoyment. More, no doubt, will follow.

• you probably think you're being encouraging and supportive when you tell me I should go back to school because I am working a ridiculous job. You don't need to remind me that I'm too good for this perfect-for-high-school-girls-and-retired-women-job. For now, this job serves its purpose and you should be happy I'm here to smile cordially and chew the fat with you. I'm nicer than most....
• a plain bagel toasted with butter, cream cheese, double american cheese, ham, sausage and and bacon is disgusting. Why are you eating such a large quantity of trash?
• some things are too expensive; I agree with you. However, I have no ability or authority to do anything about a $0.72 slice of cheese.
• I'll get to you when I get to you.
• I've been up since 4 a.m. Cutting me a smidge of slack would be much appreciated.