Re: Overheard in the J and L House: Thousand Islands Edition

This is the walking stick I spent a good portion of Saturday talking about consuming.

Overheard in the J and L House: Thousand Islands Edition

Scene: J and I are with my parents and Lauren at a cottage in Clayton, NY in the Thousand Islands for the weekend.

Lisa, referring to the walking stick hanging tightly to the screen door: Dad, what would you do if I ate this walking stick?

Dad: Well, given the minimal amount of protein and how bad it will probably taste, I wouldn't recommend it.

image via US Forest Service

Quinoa Gold

I did not enjoy this and you know I drink lots of stuff that does not taste good.

Overheard in the J and L House

YESTERDAY
Lisa: I accidentally just spit on myself. Do I need to change my shirt?

TODAY
Lisa, examining the floor: I think I just peed.


File this one under "Lisa has no shame" and "Lisa has lost all volition of her body." Gross. And funny. Mostly gross, though.

Today in Gross Things I Found at the Gas Station When I Was Craving Junk Food

GIANT CHEETOS

Please pay no attention to how hids (that's Dawn Miceli for hideous) I look in this picture. I've been up all night and am heading to bed. But first I had to show you this gross shit that Frito Lays calls food. Michael Pollan is appalled, I guarantee you.

p.s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know my other junk food selections were only marginally better than this orange monstrosity. You don't have to tell me....

Overheard in the Tandrew House

Lisa to Tovah: Tovah, come here and smell my arm pit.

Tovah: No. That's ok.

Lisa: But it doesn't smell like anything.

Tovah: (silence) Still, no.

Take it from Me

Several hours after eating a large portion of raw beet salad (or any other sort of beet), it is important to remember that you consumed this large portion of beets before becoming alarmed by anything that observe during your subsequent bathroom times.

Dear Cilantro

You are the grossest of them all.


via I Hate Cilantro

This Week in Dog Poo

Breitbart:

A German lawmaker proposed on Monday a novel and high-tech way of dealing with the menace of dog poo on the streets: DNA testing to identify the canine culprit and fine its owner.

Peter Stein, a conservative politician in eastern Germany, told AFP that under his proposal, officials would test the excrement and then match it up to the offending dog using a DNA database of all pooches.

German dog owners are fined 30-40 euros (40-50 dollars) if they fail to clean up after their pets, but very few are caught, with only four fines given out in Stein's hometown of Rostock -- human population 200,000 -- last year.

"Just saying 'it wasn't my dog' will not wash any more," Stein said.

via Slog

Rotten!

This "jumbo" pomegranate that came from Wegmans, my primary fresh produce purveyor, is rotten! And disgusting.

That was a poor use of $4.00.

90-Year-Old Living with Dead Sibings

From The Seatte Times:

EVANSTON, Ill. — A 90-year-old woman apparently has been living in a house with the bodies of her three siblings, one of whom may have been dead since the early 1980s, police in suburban Chicago said.

The bodies were found Friday morning after an advocate called police, said Evanston police Cmdr. Tom Guenther.

The woman was taken to a hospital for observation. The Cook County Medical Examiner's Office said Saturday that the siblings had died of natural causes, but it would not say how long they had been dead.

The office has identified the dead as Anita Bernstorff, who was born in 1910, Elaine Bernstorff, born in 1916, and Frank Bernstorff, born in 1920. Anita Bernstorff was last seen alive in May 2008, Frank Bernstorff in 2003 and Elaine Bernstorff in the early 1980s....

Guns Don't Kill People

10-foot Reticulated Tiger Pythons kill people.

From WAVY:

Virginia Beach, VA -- A young Navy wife is dead, strangled by her own pet python. The python, named Diablo was euthanized a couple days after the attack.

Police say the woman's husband came home Tuesday night and found his wife, 25-year-old Amanda Black, dead on the floor and the snake, a 10-foot reticulated Tiger Python named Diablo, was missing.

Animal control officers responded to the townhouse off Witchduck Road and found the snake hiding behind another snake pen with a Boa Constrictor in it, only a few feet away from the body of the owner it had just suffocated.

Know what doesn't kill? Baby six banded armadillos. Additionally, they're oh-so-cute and therefore not at all hideous.

via My Death Space

I Can't Say These Things Aloud at Work

so I'm recounting them now for your enjoyment. More, no doubt, will follow.

• you probably think you're being encouraging and supportive when you tell me I should go back to school because I am working a ridiculous job. You don't need to remind me that I'm too good for this perfect-for-high-school-girls-and-retired-women-job. For now, this job serves its purpose and you should be happy I'm here to smile cordially and chew the fat with you. I'm nicer than most....
• a plain bagel toasted with butter, cream cheese, double american cheese, ham, sausage and and bacon is disgusting. Why are you eating such a large quantity of trash?
• some things are too expensive; I agree with you. However, I have no ability or authority to do anything about a $0.72 slice of cheese.
• I'll get to you when I get to you.
• I've been up since 4 a.m. Cutting me a smidge of slack would be much appreciated.

Overheard in the E and P House

While watching the VP debate and eating popcorn at Emily and Philip's house:

Lisa to Jesse: Don't take things out of your mouth and give them to me. Why do I have to tell you these things?

Chocolate Fudge Brownie Now Chocolate Fudge BOOBIE?

WPTZ:

WATERBURY, Vt. -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

PETA, you're always up to some crazy shenanigans.


image via Stratford Fine Foods
via CNN

That Which Looks Like a Mud Smoothie...

is actually acai with wheat grass and spirulina, and is further evidence that I am willing to drink anything that is a) alive and/or b) purported to be good for my bod or gut or both.

Lately, I have also been drinking GoodBelly Multi. Loaded with probiotic bacterias Lp299v and B. lactis, GoodBelly is great for my gut and is reasonably tasty, despite the sandy texture of the probiotics.

What next? Actual mud, perhaps? One never knows.

This Would Be Funnier If It Wasn't So Frighteningly Accurate

Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

Overheard in the J and L House

Lisa to Jesse: Please don't get pubes in my breakfast.

Have You Seen the Shit This Guy Eats?!!

I'm convinced Guy Fieri is going to be dead before he's 43.

I am Not a Pretty Girl/That is Not What I Do...

"I ain't no damsel in distress/I don't need to be rescued..."

-Ani DiFranco, "Not a Pretty Girl"

See my bad, bad learning-to-ride-a-bike bruises? They're bad, right? Jesse thinks they're so bad that I should wear pants to his company picnic today. They are gross, it is true. But the forecast for today is 83 degrees! Plus, the bruises mean that this learning-to-ride-a-bike thing is serious business for me and that I'm working hard. Does anyone really pay any attention to calves anyways?