Actual Required Viewing

Please, please watch this. Please spread it around.

The Advocate:

Writer Dan Savage is reaching out to LGBT teenagers to let them know life may be difficult now, but "it gets better."

The "It Gets Better" Project is inspired by the suicide of 15-year-old Indiana teenager Billy Lucas, who hanged himself last week in his family's barn after enduring bullying from his classmates. After writinga post on The Slog about Lucas's death last week, one commenter expressed a desire to have spoken to him to tell him that things get better.

What He Said: "Pat Robertson Can Suck It" Edition

Dan Savage:

Pat Robertson doesn't understand why gay issues "dominate the news," since gay and lesbians represent "a tiny, tiny fraction of our population." Here's the reason why gay issues dominate the news, Pat: because gay people are unhappy about being discriminated against, thrown out of the military, denied the right to marry, etc. Stop fucking with us—stop discriminating against us—and you'll hear a lot less about us and a lot less from us. Give us what we want—full civil equality—and the struggle for gay rights ends and gay issues no longer dominates the news. It's that simple. You can go right on hating us, Pat, and we can get on with our lives. But until that day comes...

Massachusetts' attorney general filed a lawsuit on Wednesday against the U.S. government that seeks federal marriage benefits for about 16,000 gay and lesbian couples who have legally wed in Massachusetts. The state is challenging the constitutionality of the federal 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, saying the law denies "essential rights and protections" to same-sex couples who have married since Massachusetts became the first state in the nation to legalize gay weddings in 2004.

The federal law interferes with the state's "sovereign authority to define and regulate marriage," according to the suit filed in federal court in Boston. It calls the law "overreaching and discriminatory."

The suit is the latest skirmish over gay marriage in the U.S. federal court system after handful of political filmmakers led by a Democratic consultant crafted a gay rights challenge in May that they hope will reach the U.S. Supreme Court.... Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley, who filed the suit, cited several benefits denied gay couples, including federal income tax credits, employment and retirement benefits, health insurance coverage, and Social Security payments.

"We view all married persons equally," Coakley told a news conference.

Read this slowly, Pat: DOMA discriminates against same-sex couples, same-sex couples or our allies sue, reporters write up the lawsuit, gay issues continue to dominate the news. No DOMA, no discrimination, no lawsuit, no news stories, no domination.

Today in Traditional Marriage

The Smoking Gun:

A Florida man wearing an "I [heart] My Marriage" t-shirt was arrested last night for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. Bradley Gellert, a 32-year-old financial consultant, was busted by Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office deputies and booked into jail on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge.... The "I [heart] My Marriage" shirt was a promotional item tied to the 2008 movie "Fireproof," a Christian-themed film starring Kirk Cameron. The movie, a hit in evangelical circles, centers on a fireman's religious awakening and his simultaneous effort to save a failing marriage.

Says Dan Savage, "Bradley hearts his marriage - it's his wife he can't stand."

via Slog
image via The Smoking Gun

Savage Love Letter of the Day

Here is a great example of why I love Dan Savage:

The Question:

Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership he's in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners. My work situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen experiences in the past year. I have discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact, they are a turnoff. I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don't feel like having sex for days. We have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor. Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having these sexual experiences without me, since I do not find them compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to a sex party alone that very night.

Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my husband having a sex life outside of our relationship. Since we met, his sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather than being relationship centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with him is enough for me. He makes a good point that he has been straight about his desire for this lifestyle since day one, but I am still frustrated and horrified that my husband needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can't help but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for him.

I'd appreciate your straight, honest feedback on this.

Sex Best One On One

Aaaaand, The Answer, which is classic Savage and the reason why this question should have been posed to some other advice columnist:

Straight, honest feedback: You are an idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about the "outward trajectory" of his sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could never be satisfied in a marriage that didn't involve "open sexuality" and swinging. Don't come crying to me now because the man you married wants to actually have sex with other people. You knew that before you married him, SBOOO, because he fucking told you so.

You're unlikely to encounter a marriage counselor who'll take your husband's side (nonmonogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!), SBOOO, so I'm going to aggressively come to his defense: You're never going to convince your husband that one-on-one ought to be enough for him. Sorry. You're also going to have a hard time convincing him that you didn't deceive him in the run-up to this marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal breaker, SBOOO, you replied that you were "free-spirited" and willing to "explore." But, alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from embarking on any explorations until after the wedding, and only then—only after he married you—did you discover that your husband's sexual interests both frustrated and horrified.

How convenient.

Because if you'd been a little less stressed at work, SBOOO, maybe you could've made time for a little swinging before the wedding. Then you might've learned that nonmonogamy wasn't for you and been able to give this amazing man that information before he married your ass. Oh, but your work schedule didn't allow for premarital explorations, and now this amazing man has to decide whether to go through the hell of a divorce—knowing full well that he will be seen as the bad guy by all your relatives and friends, and 99.99 percent of marriage counselors—or give in to your emotional, sexual, and financial blackmail.

Want more evidence that you weren't negotiating with your husband in good faith before the wedding, SBOOO? How about this: You aren't negotiating with him in good faith now. So you recently had "a civil discussion" with him about the possibility of his going to sex parties alone—how many uncivil discussions have you had?—but then you were crushed when he wanted to take you up on this proposed compromise. So once again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree to his fucking around in principle, once again he proposes fucking around in earnest, and once again you lose your shit—only this time you go boohooing to an advice columnist and not a marriage counselor.

Sorry, SBOOO, you picked the wrong columnist. You want and always wanted a monogamous commitment. Free spirit, my ass. You are—surprise!—sexually incompatible. Divorce. Get it over with.

So, SBOOO, have you learned your lesson? Next time, try "Ask Amy's" Amy Dickinson (who lives just outside Ithaca) at askamy@tribune.com.

I Didn't Even Want to Know One Random Thing About You

I know. I did it, too. I resisted for a bit but then gave in. I listed a bunch of random things about myself. Even as I was doing it, I felt silly. What a weird way for me to update my "friends" from elementary, middle school, wherever. If they wanted to know about my currently unused professional license and my adoration of Dan Savage and Tovah, shouldn't they ask? Well, regardless, I did it.

DespairWair has a great tee for this new random things phenomenon.
The Washington Post and TIME both published articles regarding this trend. Here are a compilation of TIME's 25 Things I Didn't Want to Know about You and 25 More Things I Didn't Want to Know about You. Two of these are specifically for you, Rachel@Canada.

• I have been pooped on by a monkey
• I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.
• Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.
• I think yoga is incredibly spiritual. I know the Lord is with me in my downward dog.
• I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
• Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.
• My friends say that when they shave my back, I purr like a walrus.
• When I die, I want a steaming hot Reuben sandwich shoved in my mouth during the open-casket part of the funeral.
• My friend Brian and I once brought home a dead opossum because we wanted to "stuff" it. We tried to cut off its head with hedge clippers, but it was late fall and the creature was far too frozen.
• I think it's frustrating that ChapStick tastes good when you put it on your lips and lick them, but if you just bite the ChapStick, it tastes like poison.
• On two separate occasions, I have returned to my dorm room drunk, with some form of cheese in my purse.
• When I was little, I pretended my bike was a horse named Satan.
• I find puppets to be one of the most satisfying ways of expressing myself.

And now, folks, a portion of my list with some additions.

• I'll drink nearly anything as long as its purported to be "good for me." For instance: raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar; raw, fermented kombucha.
• I just vacuumed my neighbor's Dyson with my Dyson. I wanted to return a clean vacuum.
• I have been a NYS licensed funeral director for three years. It has been nearly a year since I have used the license.
• I like being a funeral director partly because I like to have weird and/or gross funeral director stories. Additionally, of all the macabre and horrifying things I have seen (and smelled), I have never been made physically ill while on the job.
• I was terrified of fire for 20+ years. I had to face my fear when I became a certified cremation operator and began performing human cremations. I am subsequently no longer afraid of fire.
• I love the First Family so much that sometimes it makes me giddy.
• I constantly play Scramble with my Mikus-in-law even though he is considerably better than me and beats me every time.
• It sometimes annoys me that Mikus is signed in to gmail or facebook or whatever but is hidden. I know you're there. Sometimes I have a question or something and emailing and waiting around for a response is wildly inefficient. ::huff::
  
• I have always wanted offspring although there's a good chance I won't have any. I'm convinced I shouldn't since I don't want said offspring to inherit my broken brain.
• I often wish I was married to Tovah.
• I am happily married to my husby, Jesse.
• I still use snr and have spread the snr to Chicago and Philadelphia and maybe further.
• I don't know what I am doing with my life.
• I love every spoken and written word that comes from Dan Savage.
• I love to cook and relish all compliments but I often do not like my own food.
• Spotting the new issue of GOOD magazine makes me jump and click my heels together.
• Tovah used to jump and click her heels together and this impressed me. I practiced and practiced and now I, too, can jump and click my heels together. Thanks, Tovah! And can you/do you still do this?
  
• I have four tattoos. If I had some money, I would have more. I'd like a full sleeve one day. My next tattoos will be in memory of Niki and my paternal grandmother.
• Little Niki has been gone nearly 7 years. Its hard to believe it has been so long. And that I am so old.
• I have a new friend! Her name is Erika and she is so much fun. She has funny stories and she wishes she had a robot to do errands for her while she is at work. Hilarious!
• Although I commuted from Ithaca to Syracuse for school, frequently drove from Ithaca to Endicott to see Jesse when we were still dating, and often took long, solitary road trips that I loved, lately I am annoyed to drive more than 20 minutes from home.
• I wish I could blog professionally.
• I am proud that I learned to ride a bike six months ago. Riding is so much fun that I'm sad I spent so many years resisting.
• I've recently been working on a list of goals I would like to attain while in therapy. The list is long and keeps lengthening. Uh-oh.
  
• When I'm stressed, listening to This American Life calms me almost immediately. Something about Ira's voice just soothes me. And when I'm sad, Reel Big Fish makes me feel better almost instantly. I don't care if its dorky.
  
• I miss Rachel@Canada. And I miss Rachel@Philadelphia. They're both wonderful and special in completely different ways and I need them both for completely different reasons.
• I hate cilantro. It tastes like soap. Why do so many people (you know who you are) want perfectly tasty food to have soapy-ness in it? Yick. I try not to cook with it if I can help it.
• I am totally anti-circumcision. I put this issue into two categories: 1. Just Leave Well Enough Alone and 2. Don't Cut Things off of Your Baby.
  
• This is probably far too many.
  

What He Said

I just can't do it as succinctly and cleverly as Dan Savage. You should just read what he says.

I'd prefer to see President Obama do away the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives—recently renamed the President's Policy Council on Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships—but if this separation-of-church-and-state violatin' office is gonna exist, well, I'm pleased that Obama has appointed a fag to sit on it. Take that, Saddlebackers.

via Slog

Dan Savage on Bill Maher

Plus they make fun of Ashton Kutcher (referenced emails) and an Episcopalian defends gay marriage with scripture. A great show! It almost makes me regret tossing HBO and requesting the same fate for the balance of the fancy cable.

Anti-Gay, Anti-Family

Dan Savage's 11.11.8 NYT OpEd:

Countless Americans, gay and otherwise, are still mourning — and social conservatives are still celebrating — the approval last Tuesday of anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida, Arizona and, most heartbreaking, California, where Proposition 8 stripped same-sex couples of their right to wed. Eighteen thousand same-sex couples were legally married in California this past summer and fall; their marriages are now in limbo.

But while Californians march and gay activists contemplate a national boycott of Utah — the Mormon Church largely bankrolled Proposition 8 — an even more ominous new law in Arkansas has drawn little notice.

That state’s Proposed Initiative Act No. 1, approved by nearly 57 percent of voters last week, bans people who are “cohabitating outside a valid marriage” from serving as foster parents or adopting children. While the measure bans both gay and straight members of cohabitating couples as foster or adoptive parents, the Arkansas Family Council wrote it expressly to thwart “the gay agenda.” Right now, there are 3,700 other children across Arkansas in state custody; 1,000 of them are available for adoption. The overwhelming majority of these children have been abused, neglected or abandoned by their heterosexual parents.

Even before the law passed, the state estimated that it had only about a quarter of the foster parents it needed. Beginning on Jan. 1, a grandmother in Arkansas cohabitating with her opposite-sex partner because marrying might reduce their pension benefits is barred from taking in her own grandchild; a gay man living with his male partner cannot adopt his deceased sister’s children.

Social conservatives are threatening to roll out Arkansas-style adoption bans in other states. And the timing couldn’t be worse: in tough economic times, the numbers of abused and neglected children in need of foster care rises. But good times or bad, no movement that would turn away qualified parents and condemn children to a broken foster care system should be considered “pro-family.”

Most ominous, once “pro-family” groups start arguing that gay couples are unfit to raise children we might adopt, how long before they argue that we’re unfit to raise those we’ve already adopted? If lesbian couples are unfit to care for foster children, are they fit to care for their own biological children?

The loss in California last week was heartbreaking. But what may be coming next is terrifying.

What He Said

Dan Savage:

Why didn’t NBC insist on Palin sitting down for a real, substantive interview—or, better still, calling a full press conference—as a condition of Palin appearing on SNL tonight? Candidates don’t go on Letterman, Leno, SNL, The Daily Show, et al, to take a break from the campaign trail. Comedy programs are stops on the campaign trail. Palin is running from the press, refusing to answer any questions, lying her ass off on the stump, and attacking the people who could call her on those lies—reporters, news anchors, cable news networks—at her rallies. So why the fuck should NBC allow Palin to reap the political rewards of an appearance on SNL if Palin isn’t willing (or able) to answer questions from NBC news reporters?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Palin/Tina Fey/Sarah Palin:

via Slog

The "Libertarian Conservative" has Successfully Reserved a Special Place in Hell for Himself

From Dan Savage, Slog:

Conservative blogger “”The Libertarian Conservative” created the above ad ..., and he says he’s only “doing exactly what the left is doing to Sarah Palin.” Yeah—remember how we lynched Sarah Palin? Good times. The bigoted blogger adds…

We’re at war folks, and I intend to fight this war until my dying breath. We’re at war against terrorists that want to destroy this country and everything it stands for and we are war against godless liberals who hate the very values and freedoms that this Nation was founded upon.

Well, the bigot blogger showed some restraint—he called lynching Obama “The Fucking Solution,” and not “The Final Solution.” Wouldn’t want to alienate those Jewish voters that McCain is gonna need in Florida.

Sure, McCain doesn't directly have anything to do with this hateful, disgusting, racist shit; but he sure isn't doing much to discourage it. This is utterly distressing.

image via Slog

"You never know what's gonna pop out of Palin next." - Dan Savage

From CNN:

Sex columnist Dan Savage and author of the popular syndicated sex advice column "Savage Love," made his way to St. Paul, Minnesota, to attend the Republican National Convention where he is filming a piece for HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher."

Planted in the CNN Grill, Savage shares his thoughts on John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, tells us what a sex columnist is doing at a political convention, and gives us his take on who's sexier, Democrats or Republicans.

Here are five questions for Dan Savage:

CNN: You're here because you're a lifelong Republican?

Savage: No, that's not true, actually. I'm a Democrat, although I am a registered Republican in Washington State, but just to drive the Washington State Republican Party up the wall.

CNN: Why are you here?

Savage: I was here to see if I could find any evidence of George W. Bush at the convention. And I found very little. There was that satellite feed. I bought this button [points to Dick Cheney button on his shirt]. This will be the only time you'll see Dick Cheney at the convention is when you see me walk by with this button ... I wasn't able to purchase it here ... I mean you talk to Republican delegates walking around, a lot of them will admit that George Bush has been a major disappointment and they're happy that he's not here. And one of the reasons that they're happy he's not here is that they don't want America reminded that four years ago and eight years ago, these same delegates ... thought George Bush walked on water.

CNN: Why would "Real Time with Bill Maher" send a sex columnist to cover the Republican National Convention?

Savage: Because when you're a sex writer in America you have to write about politics because politicians will not stop obsessing about it -- screwing around with people's sex lives. Often when I write about politics in "Savage Love," my sex advice column, people write to me and say, "you're a sex columnist, stick to sex." And I'll say -- I usually respond -- "I'll be able to stick to sex when politicians stick to politics and leave our sex lives alone, and stop politicizing our sex lives." But they do. And it's one of the major differences between the two political parties, our sexual issues. And so my view is very relevant, I feel very at home here.

CNN: Any thoughts on McCain's running mate choice?

Savage: I think Palin has been the clown car of the vice presidential nominee. You never know what's going to pop out of Palin next.

CNN: Who's sexier: Republicans or Democrats?

Savage: Well, there's just something about those Young Republicans. They're very sexy. They're very tense and nervous. I spoke to a lot of them because I've been running around the convention asking teenagers throughout the convention if they're virgins or not. 'Cuz I feel like I have a right to know because we've invested over a billion dollars in abstinence education programs under George Bush.


via Slog
image via CNN

What He Said

This may be NSFM (Not Safe for Mom).

From Dan Savage:

A question for the Palins: Your pregnant daughter “plans to marry the father.” That’s nice. Plans are great. I have long-standing plans to ass fuck Brad Pitt myself.

But does that horny kid of yours—the one you worked to protect from medically accurate sex education—plan to get married before the election? She could get married this afternoon. Quickie wedding, down at city hall. But if she wants a big wedding, well, that takes some doing. If that’s what she wants, Mrs. Palin, will you be able to take care your new infant, plan your daughter’s wedding, and run for Vice President all at the same time?

And if you and John McCain lose this election—or, hell, even if you win—what do you think the odds are that your daughter’s plans might change? Any chance that she’ll decide not to marry this Levi person after all?

I Can Absolutely Empathize with Dan Savage

Since I was still putzing around at 3:43 am.

[At what point] ...do you say, “Fuck it, I’m not going to lay here wide awake anymore,” and get up and go for a bike ride or go buy some crack or go blow your brains out or something? The freakin’ sun is coming up. Fuck it, I’m going to read the NYT and then write a very special sleep-deprived episode of “Savage Love.” Victrola opens at 5:30, right?

Sorry, Dan. Its the worst, huh?


via Slog

Where Do People Get Such Ridiculous Ideas?

I'm too tired to go into it but Yvonne K. Fulbright is an idiot and obviously has no grasp on reality. Check out this quote from her report for Fox News:

Many people are completely in the dark that their partner likes porn, much less has a serious relationship with it. Ignorant as to any issue, they trust their lover unconditionally. They assume their partner understands that using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair.

I certainly can not get behind such a ridiculous platform and I am distressed that these words will be taken to heart by people who may be dealing with a variety of marital complications. Porn is certainly not adultery and absolutely should not be treated as such.

Now bring it down a notch, Yvonne.

via SLOG

Another Edition of "I'm Not Sure What's Going on Here"

Check out these AIDS prevention ads from France.

Wow. Um, it could be a really good sex prevention campaign. Dan Savage made a great point about the ads:

I would compare this pro-sex ad to some of the anti-sex ads our government funds but, man, it’s just too depressing.

via SLOG